Since my last entry in 2010, not much as changed for me emotionally. I have been in relationships where I get what I want, then single-handedly destroy it all and the people involved with me.
I seem to have a self destruct button that gets activated each time I get too close with a person.
After years of self destruct, I am finally seeing error in my ways.
After my most current failure at my relationship, I have decided that it is time to change.
His name was Wen.
We started a relationship and I was so sure that I wanted to get married and have kids. We had a very tumultuous relationship with me always getting angry and upset. Nit-picking at his faults. Criticising him for his lack of intelligence. I was most unhappy with him and despite him doing everything he could to make me happy, I was never content or happy. I wanted more. More of what, I don't know. I just wanted more.
I told him many times I wanted to breakup and finally after he left, I spent the next week in turmoil. Thinking why I did the things I did. Why I didn't appreciate him more. Why I took him for granted. Why I couldn't trust him and filled our relationship with doubt, mistrust and anger. In short, I was toxic.
I have tried to reconcile our relationship but he is adamant that he doesn't want to be with me. Who can blame him? Who would willingly submit to this type of mental torture on a daily basis?
I have been insecure and brought my emotional baggage from my previous relationship to my most current one and I have lost him.
I have given up my pride to grovel and beg him to take me back, knowing that I have done him a severe injustice. He simply doesn't want to be with me and I know, that is my karma.
This has given me much insight to my inner self and I have decided to begin a quest of finding myself. The person I had lost 15 years ago. The person I was before I spiraled into this mess and a ghost of my previous self.
The time has come to let go.
I have to let go of insecurity. Of self-doubt. Of my fear to be hurt. The things that terrify me most are the things I crave the most.
I want to be in a healthy relationship but I constantly keep sabotaging myself. My mind tells me things are not true and perception is indeed reality.
From today, I will embark on a spiritual healing. I will endeavour to use CBT to help with my perceptions and change the way I perceive things and be happy.
Everyday forward from today, I will make a conscious effort to appreciate the things I have and to appreciate the people I have in my life. I will work on healing myself and letting go.
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