Begining of the end as I know it

Since my last entry in 2010, not much as changed for me emotionally. I have been in relationships where I get what I want, then single-handedly destroy it all and the people involved with me.
I seem to have a self destruct button that gets activated each time I get too close with a person.

After years of self destruct, I am finally seeing error in my ways.

After my most current failure at my relationship, I have decided that it is time to change.

His name was Wen.

We started a relationship and I was so sure that I wanted to get married and have kids. We had a very tumultuous relationship with me always getting angry and upset. Nit-picking at his faults. Criticising him for his lack of intelligence. I was most unhappy with him and despite him doing everything he could to make me happy, I was never content or happy. I wanted more. More of what, I don't know. I just wanted more.

I told him many times I wanted to breakup and finally after he left, I spent the next week in turmoil. Thinking why I did the things I did. Why I didn't appreciate him more. Why I took him for granted. Why I couldn't trust him and filled our relationship with doubt, mistrust and anger. In short, I was toxic.

I have tried to reconcile our relationship but he is adamant that he doesn't want to be with me. Who can blame him? Who would willingly submit to this type of mental torture on a daily basis?

I have been insecure and brought my emotional baggage from my previous relationship to my most current one and I have lost him.

I have given up my pride to grovel and beg him to take me back, knowing that I have done him a severe injustice. He simply doesn't want to be with me and I know, that is my karma.

This has given me much insight to my inner self and I have decided to begin a quest of finding myself. The person I had lost 15 years ago. The person I was before I spiraled into this mess and a ghost of my previous self.

The time has come to let go.

I have to let go of insecurity. Of self-doubt. Of my fear to be hurt. The things that terrify me most are the things I crave the most.

I want to be in a healthy relationship but I constantly keep sabotaging myself. My mind tells me things are not true and perception is indeed reality.

From today, I will embark on a spiritual healing. I will endeavour to use CBT to help with my perceptions and change the way I perceive things and be happy.

Everyday forward from today, I will make a conscious effort to appreciate the things I have and to appreciate the people I have in my life. I will work on healing myself and letting go.

All I want for Christmas is you

As the Christmas season is drawing close, I sit in bed and wonder what this year's Christmas will bring. I suppose like the Christmas before, I will be at work.

If there is anything in the world I wish for now and I shall be very selfish, I wish for you. I don't know who you are, where you are. I just wish for that special someone to be mine.

No, I don't want a fling or a special friend. I want a deeply commitment relationship yet I run for the hills at the prospect of settling down. I am quite confused and of two minds. Finding the right someone is not exactly easy. I reckon it's as hard as winning tatts lotto.

I look around and see people around me in relationships and I wish I had that. Most look outwardly happy. Whether or not behind the scenes they're truly happy, I can never be certain. I don't want transient happiness yet I know, happiness doesn't last forever. We need to constantly find our own happiness and own it. It can not be delivered on a silver platter. I find the more I try to find it, the more it eludes me. Am I trying to hard?
Contentment I have been told is the route to happiness. But won't that lead to stagnation? Being content with the current situation, I wouldn't strive haarder to gain more. Does that mean I'm just greedy? A glutton for worldly pursuits and happiness?

And so what would I really like for Christmas? I want you. Yes, a man who I could truly love without reservation. Someone who won't scare me away. Someone I can trust and love and look forward to at the end of the day. Someone that inspires me to see things in a different way. Someone I can laugh with. Someone I know should I get sick, will stay by my death bed and sit quietly with me, no questions asked.
Someone I willingly cook and clean for without resentment. Someone who makes me want to be a better person for.

No, I will not sacrifice my wants just because I am lonely. I will hold out til I meet him. The countdown begins for Christmas.